What to say, what to say? I am a conundrum and contradiction to myself most of the time, so bear with me.
I recently turned 36, but feel around 22 most of the time. I can’t even grasp 36. What should I be like at 36, if not the way I am now? It seems to me that life isn’t linear like age, so I can’t really comprehend what it means to be almost 40.
I have a failed marriage behind me, and yet I feel like the whole experience was necessary. It taught me so much about myself, men, and life. I continue to love my ex-husband like family and know that we always have something that connects us.
My family is important to me. Despite some hardships we faced growing up, my family and my parents are a huge part of who I am. But, I want to live a life that is quite different than the way I was raised. I grew up sheltered, protected and a creature of comfort. Yet I yearn to live in far away places, away from comfort, security and everything that I am accustomed to. I want constant adventure and to give a piece of myself to the world, eventhough I am terrified of even the smallest insects.
I absolutely adore learning and acquiring new skills and knowledge, but hate the culture of academia. I crave structure and organization, especially in the workplace and in others, but prefer to live my own life somewhat haphazardly, on whims that blow through the trees. I love all of the creative arts, but don’t have the insatiable drive to make it as an “artist”. I’m a dabbler. I love to dabble in this and dabble in that. Unfortunately, sometimes that applies to men too.
However, one thing I am sure about, is that I am sure of nothing. I know I am not an expert in anything and that I have much to learn from others and life. I’m finding that life is serendipitously leading me all over the place. It’s good fortune that I am beginning to relax a bit in my old age, learning to sit back and enjoy the ride.